So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
