That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
