I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
