I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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