My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
