Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
