I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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