it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
