he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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