This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
