the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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