somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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