Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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