How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
