Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
