this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize