Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
