I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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