So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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