i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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