so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
