if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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