I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
