I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
