I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize