I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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