smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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