Capitaan dildo arrescate!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
