what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
