in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
