I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
