He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize