maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
