You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize