I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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