Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize