My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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