Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
two words: eviction party
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize