her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Boobs speak an international language.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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