So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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