I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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