I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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