my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
