No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
