On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
