Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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