I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
