she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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