There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
