Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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