I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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