Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
