her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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