I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize