i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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