Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
