He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
